New Level of Low

I don't think I've ever sunk quite this low before. It's really quite pathetic. Just saying.

So this past weekend I have been off my lovely island and in the mainland on a drama field trip for school. Poseidon left town days earlier without telling me to go to this place that I didn't know existed until I Googled it. It's by the American border, which explains why I hadn't remembered it until I Googled it. I think I've been there before...

We're getting off topic.

Anyway, he went out of town without telling me and I was very hurt when I found out from his friend that he had left and that I would not be seeing him until today. And I still won't be seeing him today because I am sick and we are getting off topic again.

So here's the quick version. Poseidon goes out of town, I get no notice of this, I find out second hand, I am very hurt and mad, Poseidon doesn't talk to me except to give me an excuse as to why he hadn't seen me or spoken to me all week and then to give me an excuse as to why he can't talk to me then. I leave to the mainland, still no word from Poseidon on our two month. I am very much hurt. Another day past, still no word. I start thinking and we all know how that ends.

Bad. Very, very bad.

I've come to realize that Poseidon's an even shittier boyfriend than I'd first realized. We never really go out, we never get alone time, he'd bad at displaying affection... Yeah. I started thinking and I realized I really need to tell him that he's pushing me away. His cocky attitude isn't helping, either. Whenever my friend Care Bear teases him about saying she's going to steal me from him, he's all "yeah, well, look which one of us has Persephone" and it really pisses me off. He's just so sure I'm not going to leave him!

Well, love is not always reason enough to stay, Poseidon.

So today I wake up and I'm all upset. Why? Because all the guys who have little crushes on me are the ones texting me and treating me like a treasure and not my boyfriend. Actually, my friend... Gah, what to nickname him on here... Prince. My friend, Prince, has been talking to me nonstop for the past couple days. I've been venting to him about Poseidon and Prince has really helped me to feel better. I've told him about how I never get time with Poseidon and Prince says that if Poseidon doesn't smarten up, it really isn't worth all the pain I constantly feel. Prince pointed out that "if he doesn't respect the treasure he has, then he doesn't deserve it" and I kinda can't help but agree. So what exactly am I getting at? How does this play into the low-ness?

Well, today, I went onto FaceBook. There was a message from Poseidon on my wall. More excuses, but also sweet nothings, and a belated message about our two-month. Which was absurdly sweet and wonderful. And so: Bang! Instant forgiveness. My head's filled with thoughts like, "Oh, I've just been overreacting" and "It wasn't even that long, I'm being a too-clingy girlfriend".

Thing is, I kinda need clinginess. He pushes me away so much. He needs an absurd amount of space, and I give him that, but he gives me too much space. I need a lot less. Half the time... No, more than half the time I feel like he outright forgets my existence. I really don't know what to do. I feel like by saying something, I'm invading the space he needs. My head's spinning looking for something or somebody to blame. I'm tempted to blame my dad for raising me knowing that guys need a lot of space, but I'm also kinda thankful that he raised me that way. So who am I supposed to blame? I can't really blame anybody! It's driving me crazy and I'm just starting to pin the blame on myself. But is it my fault? I don't want to blame him, but Poseidon is the one at fault here. If he wants me to stay in this relationship, he needs to put in more effort. I can't exactly say that I put in a lot, but I do try.

I'm starting to give up on trying...

Now to wrap this up. Today I was going to talk to him, but the fact that I'm sick means I won't see him. I don't know what to do! If I leave it another day, I'm going to chicken out and not talk to him about this at all. I'll just keep quiet and keep hoping foolishly that things will improve on their own and crush my soul a hundred more times waiting for a message that's never going to come.

I hate being a teenager... This is only a small fraction of my superficial problems.

-Persephone