Stress

I come to you, dear blog readers, to rant about a few things, just to solidify them in my mind and sort out what the hell I'm doing. So please, bare with me, for after there will be quite the interesting little hypocritical tyrant~! As expected from yours truly.

Now then! As you can probably tell from the title, I am very, very, very stressed out at the moment. A lot of people important to me are in the hospital or are being kept from me or are to go into the hospital before long. Also! I've got a lot of stress from student government at me school. Perhaps I will start at the beginning and work my way through? Sounds like an ideal plan to me. And since my judgement is the only one that matters around here today, this is what shall be done. I don't care if you've already heard it before! Now then, back to the ranting...

Firstly, Care Bear was in the hospital. I know she's out now, but she hasn't been feeling good lately, and I'm scared she'll relapse and be back in there. She's also decided she's going to get the second option for what to do about her condition: a bone marrow transplant through a donor that will potentially cure her. Or kill her. It's pretty even odds. So I'm scared for her safety, she's like my best friend, after all.

So the day that Care Bear is released, my opa collapses from pain. There's a hole in his bowels that he's been suffering from for quite some time and he actually tells my oma himself to call an ambulance. My opa is a very stubborn man who won't go to the hospital even if he breaks a bone. My mother is forced to fly out to take care of them, since no one else will. Now there's word of complications with the surgery! His knees are flaring up and he may have to go into surgery again to get that taken care of.

So I'm left in charge of the house, with dad across the country for work and my mom a province over to look after her mother and father. My grandpa, the perverted pig, is a huge slob that I am therefore responsible for, along with myself! Cleaning up after him and making sure he eats is enough work on its own! So I'm not eating right. Before long, I collapse in P.E., and la-ti-ta, now I feel like a pile of crap. Might even be getting sick yet again, which is something I really can't deal with.

Dad gets home! Tell him about Aphrodite and I dating... Went over well, actually. Mild relief to the stress... But I still can never tell my grandpa, something I'll get used to.

So dad's going into surgery tomorrow for his jaw and then I'll be left to look after both him and my grandpa and myself, something that's a feat all on its own. I don't know how my mom survives this on a daily basis, but I hope things are easier for her at the farm. So I've got to work three days a week, cook seven days a week, do laundry, wash dishes, entertain friends, entertain family, look after myself, clean the house every day, and a variety of other things! That alone is enough to drive me crazy.

Then there's the student government. I have to keep an eye on everything that goes on, since I'm the minister of student engagement. Making sure things are running smoothly and getting started on making notes on how to get the word out and be sure that events work out is really time consuming and difficult. But from what I can tell, the President has most things under control with the sports event, the Vice-Presidents have things under control with the Halloween events, and... Uh...

Crap I need a nickname. I'll give her a letter.

And S has things covered for Pyjama Day.

My co-minister has completely dropped from the government, so I'm handling the ministry on my own. I just hope I never have to meet the person. I'll call them Fish. Seriously, they are driving me up a wall, and I haven't even met them! Why apply to be a minister without even bothering to show up? I mean, seriously? All I know is that they're a senior! I don't even know if they're a girl or a guy, their name is in some weird language. Anyway, hope I don't meet them. Ever. Ugh.

Just overheard my dad talking about mom's condition at the farm and it's giving me a fresh wave of stress. On top of taking care of her mother and father, she has to look after the farm and deliver eggs. She has back problems, which is a huge issue. From what I understand, it's acting up again, and there's nothing she can do about it. She has to keep working, but if she does it'll send her into a world of pain.

Fuck my life.

Now for my tyrant against the female gender.

Yes, female gender. Not male. Shocker, I know.

Why do women stress so much? I mean, really! Lives would be so much easier without it. I envy guys, since they stress less. I think there's a statistic on it somewhere. And it's downright annoying how women stress so much. Can't they just relax and have a good time upon occasion? It's all work, no play. I feel like I should defend my gender, but I really count. Because we could do something about it, but I guess we're too wrapped up in ourself to even think about that for a second. And guy who read this, don't go saying that guys stress just as much as girls. That's a pathetic thing to get egotistical over. Seriously. Be proud of the fact that you can just be guys and tune out for a bit with your video games like COD or Minecraft or... I don't know, Assassin's Creed and Starcraft. Anyway, yeah. Lucky little bastards. Women and their emotions suck.

Peace out, wish me luck.

-Persephone

Currently Here

Boys: Neji, William, Griffin, Sasuke, Naruto, Soturi, ??, ??, Gui

Girls: Sparrow, "Mikael", Amarina, Tenten, Jasmine, ??, Megumi

Dormant: Kyo, Talon, Melina, Kimi, Hitari, Gumi

Numb

It's starting to get cold again. I'm curious when the snow will be coming. The mountain berries outside my house are the biggest they've ever been in my life. It'll be a harsh winter... Last year was bad enough... But there's more berries than when we had the blizzard in 1996. Hmm... Well, I guess that we'll just have to see.

But I'm not writing to just post about the weather.

Yesterday my opa, or grandpa, was sent to the hospital. He has a hole in his bowels, which is extremely painful. Considering it's him, he's probably been suffering for a while. He collapsed and actually told my oma to call an ambulance, something he wouldn't do even if he broke an arm or leg. He'd just set it himself, get a splint in place, and find a way to go back to working. That's the type of guy he is. My oma is very weak, more mentally than physically. She's been sitting by the phone in a daze, not eating or taking her medicine, something that's extremely important because she has cancer. My aunt, uncle, and cousin, whom I'll refer to as Gladiator, stayed there with her the entire day. But they have to go to Disney World, so they can't look after her and the farm while my opa's recovering from his surgery, if he makes it through.

Before you think that it's absurd my aunt, uncle, and cousin are going to Disney World while this has happened, let me explain. Gladiator has autism. This means he doesn't understand the situation. And saying that they have to cancel the trip just isn't something they can do, since he wouldn't understand why they have to cancel. He gets really excited about trips like this, so I suspect he's been going on about it for at least a month of two, counting down the days until they leave. I love Gladiator to bits and pieces, and I've been looking after him since he was born whenever my aunt needed a break. I want him to have fun in Disney World and come back to have more fun.

So since my dad's across the country for work... My mom flew out last night to go look after my oma and the farm. I'm left with my grandpa, the pervert, for the weekend until my dad gets back on sunday. Dad's also a pervert. I'm stuck with the two of them for an indeterminable amount of time. I get the feeling this is going to be hell.

I hope my opa gets better... That he makes it through the surgery.

Sleepy

I've been reeeeeeeeally tired lately. Obnoxiously so. I'm pretty good at hiding it in front of my friends, but I've been zoning out and almost falling asleep in class on multiple occasions. Just... Yeah. Been losing a lot of sleep and energy. It's not like I'm not eating well! And usually I go to sleep at a decent time... But I can't seem to sleep deeply anymore. I'm waking in fits and starts again. Any dreams are little flashes that are mixed into reality. I haven't had any nightmares, thankfully, but I'm getting a little shaky.

On another note... Care Bear's in the hospital. She had been for quite some time, too. Since at least just after my last post on the blog. She was coughing up blood, which usually is normal, but this time it was more severe. I'm really worried about her, but she should be fine. She might be out in just over a week, but no promises. At this point she's just bored and frustrated with her family. At least her nurse is hot and nice.

Yesterday I was really depressed. I didn't tell anyone why, but it's my dad and grandpa again. They're just... I'm shuddering to think of them. The other night my dad was doing that innocent thing where, when I'm lying on the couch, he sits at the far end and I put my legs on his lap and he idly rubs my leg. Well, I was wearing shorts, since I had just gotten home from volunteering at the pool for one of my previous coaches. He kept rubbing my thigh and getting higher and stuff. It made me really uncomfortable, but of course I can't make a scene with my mom in the room. Then there was my grandpa, who kept making glances down my v-neck without even bothering to be discreet. And whenever I got up to go get a drink or something, I could feel him staring at my ass. I actually looked back a couple times to confirm it.

Next morning he was up early! Of course. And again he kept being perverted while he sat at the kitchen table. Just staring at my ass and the rest of my body while I went around getting ready for school. I tried to confine myself to my room as much as possible and actually ate a really small breakfast up there instead of having to deal with him. And then when I left he still had the nerve of getting up and standing in the doorway to watch me fiddle with my jacket and stuff. I finally gave up with the buttons and just plain fled the house. I ended up forgetting my shoes for gym and lied to my substitute teacher about having to work on Planning during that block.

So my depression that day was kinda understandable. I spent the lunch hour going around to all the girls' bathrooms and writing pick-me-ups inside the bathroom stalls over the carved insults. Things like "smile, you're perfect" and stuff like that. It made me feel good when a girl went into the bathroom as I was leaving and I heard her laugh happily when she saw one of my little notes.

I felt better up until Zeus made a joking comment about being my father, thus he was able to touch me inappropriately. I was joking about him putting his hand under the flap on the back of my jacket over my shoulders as "violating me," so I guess I completely set it up, but after that comment, it was really hard to keep my spirits up. Getting home to my mom interrogating me about everything I did that day and my dad and grandpa teasing me and snapping at me for being a little bit grumpy just sent me in a spiral. I cried in my room until my mom called me down for dinner.

I wish I could do something about this situation, but I really can't. Because if I say something, my family would end up in conflict, which is something I can't stand. When I was little, my parents fought all the time. Them fighting is one of my worst fears. And I would lose so much as a result... I couldn't bare that.

-Persephone

Currently Here

Boys: Kyo, Soturi, Neji, Caro, Griffin, William

Girls: Megumi, Amarina, Jasmine, Kimi, Tenten, Clare, Sparrow

Dormant: Naruto cast, Yuto

Happy Autumn

I really hate my darker half. Everyone has one, you can't deny that fact. Lately mine has been left unchecked, because of my bad migraines, I think. I'm just always irritated and slow, which makes me irritated... Everything is making my emotions all chaotic. Normally I can sift through things and remain normal... But not lately. I can't even follow a train of thought properly. I'm mildly worried about myself... I say mildly because I honestly don't care about myself personally, but I do care about the effect on other people should something happen to me. I don't want people to be concerned over me. But yeah... Mildly worried. Normally I'm a lot more... Well, normal. I guess.

Normal as someone like me could ever be.

I've been feeling a lot weaker than normal. My body can't put up with a lot of abuse and I hurt down to my bones all the time. I sound like I'm complaining, but while I am the type to complain about little things, I don't usually complain about my weakness. Because I hate to feel or look weak. I absolutely hate it... I wish there was something I can do about it, but I can't. Because I'll hurt myself more, since my body can't take the toll of physical exercise. If I run, my heart beats so hard that I can't breath. If I bike... Well I've never tried to bike in a real racing fashion. I just have a grudge for organized sports now, after all my bad experiences. And my dad bikes.

And I hate my dad.

But I'll explain that more later.

Last night I was thinking about swimming. It was really the only organized sport I mildly enjoyed. Sure, people aren't the best. I had only two good friends, but one had more popular people to hang out with and the other wasn't talkative. But the sport... Had I not gotten injured, I would be looking at the World Cup, keeping my sights on eventually getting to the Olympics, or the trials, for the 800 and 400 freestyle. Swimming well and swimming fast... There's nothing really like it. The adrenaline and satisfaction... Feeling the limits of your body and pushing yourself past them... And the entire thing being effortless... It's the most alive I have ever felt.

I wish I could go back.

But my body aches at the thought.

Now back to the issues with dad... I hate him. A lot. He tried his best, I know, but his "this is my house, my rules, you have to do exactly what I say without question" attitude just drives me up a goddamn wall. I hate him. A lot. Mom tells me to try not to, that she knows what it's like, and she does know... But it's getting harder. I tell myself, "he's your dad, your flesh and blood, you're more like him than your mom, you can't pick your family" and all that stuff... But it isn't like he thinks like that.

He's an asshole.

He spends money absurdly, he's lazy, he doesn't do shit to help around the house (other than build it, of course), he's messy, he's rude, he's bossy...

Everything I hate in men.

Aka, men in general, I suppose.

Ok, that's mean. I know a lot of guys who are better than that, with decent personalities. I'm just mad. And hurt. And a daddy's girl who dad is a bastard.

-Persephone

Currently Here

Boys: Neji, Soturi

Girls: Amarina, Kira, Jasmine, Kimi, Megumi (1), Tenten

Dormant: Megumi (2), Anime muses, Gumi, Hitari