I really hate my darker half. Everyone has one, you can't deny that fact. Lately mine has been left unchecked, because of my bad migraines, I think. I'm just always irritated and slow, which makes me irritated... Everything is making my emotions all chaotic. Normally I can sift through things and remain normal... But not lately. I can't even follow a train of thought properly. I'm mildly worried about myself... I say mildly because I honestly don't care about myself personally, but I do care about the effect on other people should something happen to me. I don't want people to be concerned over me. But yeah... Mildly worried. Normally I'm a lot more... Well, normal. I guess.
Normal as someone like me could ever be.
I've been feeling a lot weaker than normal. My body can't put up with a lot of abuse and I hurt down to my bones all the time. I sound like I'm complaining, but while I am the type to complain about little things, I don't usually complain about my weakness. Because I hate to feel or look weak. I absolutely hate it... I wish there was something I can do about it, but I can't. Because I'll hurt myself more, since my body can't take the toll of physical exercise. If I run, my heart beats so hard that I can't breath. If I bike... Well I've never tried to bike in a real racing fashion. I just have a grudge for organized sports now, after all my bad experiences. And my dad bikes.
And I hate my dad.
But I'll explain that more later.
Last night I was thinking about swimming. It was really the only organized sport I mildly enjoyed. Sure, people aren't the best. I had only two good friends, but one had more popular people to hang out with and the other wasn't talkative. But the sport... Had I not gotten injured, I would be looking at the World Cup, keeping my sights on eventually getting to the Olympics, or the trials, for the 800 and 400 freestyle. Swimming well and swimming fast... There's nothing really like it. The adrenaline and satisfaction... Feeling the limits of your body and pushing yourself past them... And the entire thing being effortless... It's the most alive I have ever felt.
I wish I could go back.
But my body aches at the thought.
Now back to the issues with dad... I hate him. A lot. He tried his best, I know, but his "this is my house, my rules, you have to do exactly what I say without question" attitude just drives me up a goddamn wall. I hate him. A lot. Mom tells me to try not to, that she knows what it's like, and she does know... But it's getting harder. I tell myself, "he's your dad, your flesh and blood, you're more like him than your mom, you can't pick your family" and all that stuff... But it isn't like he thinks like that.
He's an asshole.
He spends money absurdly, he's lazy, he doesn't do shit to help around the house (other than build it, of course), he's messy, he's rude, he's bossy...
Everything I hate in men.
Aka, men in general, I suppose.
Ok, that's mean. I know a lot of guys who are better than that, with decent personalities. I'm just mad. And hurt. And a daddy's girl who dad is a bastard.
-Persephone
Currently Here
Boys: Neji, Soturi
Girls: Amarina, Kira, Jasmine, Kimi, Megumi (1), Tenten
Dormant: Megumi (2), Anime muses, Gumi, Hitari
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