Tired

I'm so tired lately... Mentally and physically. I just... I might need to see a doctor or something. It's always like this, yes, but it seems a little worse now. I've always wondered if there's something wrong with my health and I'm wondering it again. You know how they can't always detect when people have something like a brain tumour, because the symptom is really just terrible headaches and stuff until it becomes too serious? Or something like that? I'm probably just thinking too much about stuff, but yeah... I dunno, I'm thinking again.

Better get more sleep or something.

It was weird without him there today. I felt the entire time as if something was missing, a piece of life. Ugh, that sounds so corny and stupid. Sorry. I dunno. Might be because a couple people weren't there. It's flu season... Things were just quieter, a little more empty. I just... I can't think.

"I saw you flirting with that guy. Made me jealous, don't know why. I know I'm not the only one, but when all is said and done, you wonder who your date will be." Lyrics of the song "Why Not Me?" by Alexander Rybak that I'm listening to right now.

Well... Different topic. My exorcism of my skeletons is going smoothly. I've successfully cut off yet another huge chunk of myself. I find it hard now to be that bitchy confident face I used for so many years, but I'm also more angry. I feel like screaming and hitting and breaking things. I want to hurt somebody and cry and just... Let all my emotions out. But if I do that, will I be able to pull myself out of the dark I know I'll fall into as a result? And it's not like I can do that in front of somebody... I'd probably scare them or something like that. I just need...

I don't know, I need somebody to tell me to take a deep breath.

Nnn.... So tired. Another thing, I might quit swimming. I'm not really motivated to do it anymore... Sure I'd keep at it, though not really competitively. I mean, I've got to do something to stay in shape, yeah. But I'd just do it a few times a week instead of the full eight workouts I do now... But it's just contemplation at the moment. I just don't want to set my dad off. Hell hath no fury like my father...

Another thing I don't think of much. I hate my family. Hn. It's an unreasonable hate, and I think that might be too strong of a word. I.... Strongly dislike my family. I abhor them. I am annoyed by them. They're too extreme, too suffocating. It's like... Like... I'm some item to them. A possession. I belong to nobody. And I never will. I can't stand that sort of cage.

-Persephone

Hacking

I'm a mix of emotion at the moment, no thoughts really being finished... I'm taking the advice a really good friend of mine gave me, though perhaps not quite how they intended... Anyway, I'm looking at the things I've done to exorcize the skeletons that are overflowing my closet. I've realized that there's one huge demon in there that I really need to get rid of. I can't believe I didn't even realize it before. I have to cut off everything. Absolutely everything. I have to let go of emotion, just for a little while. I have to let them run free for a bit. I have to clearly look at what they are instead of bottling them up and pushing them aside. Maybe then...

No, definitely. Definitely then I can start over.

I'll take what I can and discard the rest. I'll just... Take a breath. I'm going to be such a wreck this next while, and I don't know how long it's going to last. But... We'll see. I'll feel much lighter after, I know that. Last time I did this, I didn't quite succeed, and yet it still made me feel like I wasn't carrying around a piano anymore.

I won't be able to do it on my own, but now I've got somebody to hold me up.

This time I can succeed.

-Persephone

Food for Thought

Let's find a new perspective. Let's step back. Let's look from new eyes.

...

Wow, that's different.

Am I realy quite so confident and cocky? Yeah, probably. Oops. Hn.

It's... 2:15 right now and I have no real idea why I'm on here, but Artemis is with me. SAY HI ARTEMIS~!

Hello. :) Be nice to the environment, you humans take way too much for granted.. I won't last forever..

Ok, yeah, enough of that. World's gonna end in 2012 anyway.

So new food for thought. Yeah, I'm going about this the wrong way. Thing need to... Oh, hey my horoscope was right!

...

Dammit. I didn't want that anymore! Why do I always have to realize what I have once it's gone? And I suppose it's gone for good... Ugh. Well, I did get something else out of the misfortune, I suppose. I'd like to... not.. get into that. Maybe another time.

Ok, need to go search some song on YouTube Zeus was bugging us about.

-Persephone

Music for the Soul

"I could say that I'll always be here for you, but that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do. And I could say that I'll always have feelings for you, but I've got a life ahead of me and I'm only 22..."

Those are lyrics to the song "I Could Say" by Lily Allen. I'm listening to it right now. Lily Allen is an amazing artist. Her songs have witty lyrics that are easy to relate to. Her sound is a unique one, one which is easy on the ears and appealing to all, I would think.

... Well maybe not if you like screamo.

Anyway, I haven't written in a while. But not much has really happened. I suppose I'm a little put out at the moment, though if this is due to a lack of sleep I'm afraid I cannot say. It's a Saturday and I'll have the house to myself basically for the weekend. Just my grandpa here, but he doesn't much care what I do. I think Artemis is going to stay the night. More "girl time" as we put it.

In reality, screaming at aliens as we try to blow their heads off.

Aren't we just so sweet?

Back to what you've missed and why I'm a bit put out. Well, my horoscope today says something I've been trying to accomplish over the past several months will break loose just the way I want. It'll be a cause for celebration... Hm. I might be foolish for believing in horoscopes, but often enough they tell the truth. So what's going to happen? I don't know... But I guess we'll find out.

Last night I went to an after-exam party of sorts. It was fun, but Demeter was a little down because Artemis and I were scaring her a bit too much. And Athena had some problems keeping everybody under control... But what can you expect? We're a bunch of high schoolers. And if you put three "mortals", Zeus, Apollo, Artemis, Demeter, and I in a room, the results won't be particularly quiet. But it was fun, to put it simply. Lots of fun. Till one of the mortals couldn't get me to fall off the stool, pushed me, and the thing flipped and the steel base of it hit me in the arm. HARD. I think it's bruised down to the bone, and if not then close. But I'm not going to complain, I've had worse.

So yeah, if ya'll haven't figured this out, I'm using the names of Greek Gods and Goddesses as code names for all my friends and what not. Those who aren't a God or Goddess are simply "mortals". Although, I'm not much of a Goddess, myself. Personification of spring and Goddess of the Underworld... Well, I'm a minor Goddess, and that's better than being a mortal, right?

Enough of that. Hn. New lyrics.

"Girl, you wanted to shut it all off and make a run for the door. It's so hard to make it. For every inch we get we need a mile more. But there is always so much distance, can't but feel it somehow. But you have never ever felt it like you feel it right now. I'm closing off inside and it's only just started. You can't be close enough unless I'm feeling your heartbeat."

"All of Your Love" by Hellogoodbye. I love that band... I have a few of their songs. But for "All of Your Love" I only have a couple remixes of it. Eh, oh well. They're really good remixes. Mm. I'm hungry. What else have I missed...

Uh... Right, I think that should cover it for the moment.

If something comes up, I'll write again later.

-Persephone

Midnight Ramble

My friend has convinced me that, just for the heck of it, I will write an entry tonight/this morning. I have started at 23:57... That's 11:57pm for those of you who don't understand army time. Anyway, I'm really happy right now. On Facebook I'm talking to some really awesome friends... But that's not why I'm writing.

I talked with my newest and true sister today, as well as my older one. I was frustrated with my older one... She said she needed to hang out, needed me to stay at her house Thursday (today) night. That she'd cry if the answer was no... When I told her it was alright, she was all smiles again. I'm like "WTF?". She's so two-faced sometimes... How could I have never noticed? But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, as I always do. Maybe it was just the relief that made her giddy.

So me and my... Uh... This whole two sisters thing is getting weird. Ok, my older sister, the one I'm mad at, let's call her my little sister, because technically she's younger than me. And my newer one, she'll be my older sister.

Ok, so me and my older sister have this amazingly diabolical plan. I'm going to turn her into a pro at video games and she is totally going to kick her boyfriend and her best guy friend's butt at Halo! I think it'll end well. Really well. It's totally going to work. And then I'll teach her martial arts games. And COD. HA! Take that boys.

Mm. I have a feeling about this year... That this year is going to be full of drama and changes and discoveries. That I'm going to do a lot of things I'll regret for a while, but when I look back on them, I'll be glad I did. I get the feeling that this new story is going to start today. I feel optimistic.

I feel excited to live.

-Persephone

A New Beginning

After yesterday's huge disappointment, I started thinking again. And that's never really a good thing. I thought about my life. How when I was little, my parents fought and forced me to grow up. How I manipulated my way through 14 years. How I used people. How in grade six until now I was suicidal. How I tried anorexia and cutting, how I went through depression, how I handled everybody else's problems and shouldered their lives as well in a vain attempt to smother my own. How I killed myself inside.

Last night I realized that my life line, the one person who I never lied to or tried to manipulate, was shallow. That she was never there for me when I needed her to be. I accepted the fact that she is drifting away and that, even if it is shallow, it's her fault. She spends all her attentions on her boyfriend and when she tries to focus on me, she just doesn't know who I am anymore. I have to accept that, despite it looking like the girl who has held me together for nearly half my life, it isn't anymore. I will always be there for her, I know. But I can't rely on her to be there for me anymore.

At the beginning of high school, I had decided to stop lying. Maybe now life would stop presenting me with my dreams and taking them away, giving me a taste and holding them just out of my reach. But I started that wrong. I manipulated the people who would give me this, I tricked them into accepting and loving me, as I have so many others. I felt terrible all the time, I still am when I look back on that memory of just barging into their lives full steam ahead.

But I began to learn from them and from my drama teacher. I learned lessons that began to change me. I fell hard for a guy I could never have and life gave me a taste of what it would be like were that dream to come true.

And as a final revenge, it took him away from me.

And for good measure, it took him away again right when it seemed he would come back. And with him, it took my lifeline.

Last night, I was broken. Finally I was truly shattered into a million pieces. And I didn't want to stand up again. I just wanted to sink into oblivion and give up my fight.

For the first time, I really truly did not want to keep trying.

But all those people who I manipulated lifted me up, especially one who I know is the sister I have been looking for in life. She helped me, she listened to me, and even though she wasn't right there beside me, she still dried my tears. She showed me that I have been presented with the biggest gift of all.

Maybe I can truly be happy now. "As one story ends, another begins".

Thank you, my dearest sister, for showing me this. I can't wait to see if this is the first happy ending after all the painful nightmares. I'm thankful to know that I'll have you here beside me, to keep me standing, to find the me that you know I am.

Thank you.

-Persephone

Migraines

I'm going to go ahead and blame science for this one. I've got a really bad migraine. I don't think I've had one this bad in a long time... When I was little, I'd get ones that would literally cripple me. They would be so bad, I couldn't stand up, the pain made me that weak. Ever since then, I've always had headaches constantly, and the occasional bad migraine. But this... It's a lot worse.

Stupid exam week.

Though it could be something else. Maybe I'm nervous? Though I rarely feel nervous... Hm. Well, it must be the fact that my life's a lot more pleasant lately. After finding out some comforting information, I'm a lot more confident. I can't really get into the information... It's about somebody else, so if I talk about it, then that would be betraying their trust and I'd absolutely hate to do that, they mean so much to me...

I really hope they can sort out their life. It's... Making me worry more than normal. Maybe that's the reason for my migraine. Probably. I typically get headaches and migraines when I worry too much... Which is hard not to do because I'm a little bit of a worrywart. I worry about my friends and their lives all the time. All I want is their happiness. Anything I can do to help, I do. I'll always go out of my way for them. I love my friend, they're my true family. My real family...

They're posers, to put it bluntly. It's not a family most of the time. Just a bunch of people living in the same house putting on a show for the neighbours. We smile, we kiss, we say "I love you, see you later!" like we mean it. And maybe they do, but I certainly don't. Not since I was little... Not since the fighting. I'll never forget those years of them yelling constantly, of when dad would storm out of the house and I'd worry about if he was going to come back. I knew the meaning of divorce before I knew the meaning of love. The only reason it hasn't happened is because it's far more appealing to stick to what you know. Human minds work like that.

At least, this is my opinion.

I've probably rambled enough this morning... I'll probably put up another entry later today, in the afternoon, and maybe another this evening. It depends on the goings of the day. For the most part, I expect a tedious day of studying, then a happy afternoon with friends. We'll see how it goes.

And we'll see how he's doing...

-Persephone

Introductions

Well... Welcome to my blog. I suppose I should start with some information about myself? I'm a young girl, just starting high school. I'll be fifteen in may and I'm looking forwards to it. I love the singer Lights more than words can tell, ever since my ex gave me LAS (Lights Addiction Syndrome). Her music has helped me so much.

This blog has no specific purpose, it simply is. I will ramble my worries away here and give you an inside look to how my head works. If you aren't interested... Don't read. If you are... I hope you find yourself intrigued.

-Persephone