A New Beginning

After yesterday's huge disappointment, I started thinking again. And that's never really a good thing. I thought about my life. How when I was little, my parents fought and forced me to grow up. How I manipulated my way through 14 years. How I used people. How in grade six until now I was suicidal. How I tried anorexia and cutting, how I went through depression, how I handled everybody else's problems and shouldered their lives as well in a vain attempt to smother my own. How I killed myself inside.

Last night I realized that my life line, the one person who I never lied to or tried to manipulate, was shallow. That she was never there for me when I needed her to be. I accepted the fact that she is drifting away and that, even if it is shallow, it's her fault. She spends all her attentions on her boyfriend and when she tries to focus on me, she just doesn't know who I am anymore. I have to accept that, despite it looking like the girl who has held me together for nearly half my life, it isn't anymore. I will always be there for her, I know. But I can't rely on her to be there for me anymore.

At the beginning of high school, I had decided to stop lying. Maybe now life would stop presenting me with my dreams and taking them away, giving me a taste and holding them just out of my reach. But I started that wrong. I manipulated the people who would give me this, I tricked them into accepting and loving me, as I have so many others. I felt terrible all the time, I still am when I look back on that memory of just barging into their lives full steam ahead.

But I began to learn from them and from my drama teacher. I learned lessons that began to change me. I fell hard for a guy I could never have and life gave me a taste of what it would be like were that dream to come true.

And as a final revenge, it took him away from me.

And for good measure, it took him away again right when it seemed he would come back. And with him, it took my lifeline.

Last night, I was broken. Finally I was truly shattered into a million pieces. And I didn't want to stand up again. I just wanted to sink into oblivion and give up my fight.

For the first time, I really truly did not want to keep trying.

But all those people who I manipulated lifted me up, especially one who I know is the sister I have been looking for in life. She helped me, she listened to me, and even though she wasn't right there beside me, she still dried my tears. She showed me that I have been presented with the biggest gift of all.

Maybe I can truly be happy now. "As one story ends, another begins".

Thank you, my dearest sister, for showing me this. I can't wait to see if this is the first happy ending after all the painful nightmares. I'm thankful to know that I'll have you here beside me, to keep me standing, to find the me that you know I am.

Thank you.

-Persephone