Offensive Front

After playing the defensive for so long, Artemis finally has decided to take control of her life and get rid of the source of a lot of her pain. But was it really the right thing? I'm worried about her. She's so fragile now... But she's still smiling. So maybe she's a little happier with this new development.

By development I mean that Artemis broke up with Apollo.

So... I'm worried about her.

To put it lightly.

-Persephone

Call Me

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Under warm blankets I choke on stale air, waking all at once.

Still, it takes time to realize the

stickiness on my cheeks.

We need to talk. Such an

understatement, coming from you. Do you

think we need to talk?

My stomach is clenching and twisting

at the painful sounds ringing through my mind, all coming from

your tainted lips.

Curling tighter in on myself I finally

cave and reach the phone.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Steady fingers surprise me as they enter

all too familiar numbers,

the combination to my demise.

Beeeeeeeeeep.

Hey... Call me when you get this... Ciao.

Flush It Out

I'm not really even sure what's wrong with me. I've been really, really moody lately and I think my depression might be sneaking up on me again. But I'm not sure. I'm really worried, I don't want to go through all that again. But I can slowly feel my emotions slipping through my fingers... Like when you pool water in your hands and slowly but surely it all drip drops away. I dunno. Everything's getting on my nerves, too. I'm hyper sensitive about anything. I'm brushing it off as PMS, but I don't usually get it this bad...

I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that if I was still swimming, I'd be headed to California right about now. But I'm not heading to California, am I? No, sir.

I just... Ahh... I don't even know. I miss my boyfriend a lot. People are complaining to me a lot. I haven't had a good, long, complaining rant in a long time. I think that's what I need. To complain and complain and complain and have somebody listen without judging me. Whenever I try to rant, people turn it into their own ranting sessions. I have a lot of issues I need to get out! And not just onto this blog, though this blog does help a lot... Without this blog to vent in, I don't know what I'd do.

I think mom's becoming depressed. She's sad and tired all the time.

I feel guilty. Like somehow it's my fault. Like I should do something. But I'm too stressed and emotional to spare time to listen to her and I'm too annoyed at everybody else to give her much needed sympathy. And I keep turning her down for walks because I'm in a lot of physical pain lately. I feel so guilty. It's being denied these things that make you depressed. The little things... They just add up.

I really want to spend time with my boyfriend and just rant to him and vent, but he doesn't understand depression. When he offers me advice, he always says to "focus on the good things in life", but the thing about depression is that you try to do that and it just doesn't work. Depression isn't something that can be solved by looking on the upside. The upside is also the downside. There's no moving forwards. It's hard. And I don't want advice and if I go to him, it's exactly what I'm going to get.

I might sound like I want it, but I do not want sympathy.

Sympathy is a waste of time in my case. I just need somebody to listen and give me a hug or something. Just... I just need somebody who's going to listen to me rant.

I can't even rant to Cookie anymore...

-Persephone

California

California. The place where I should be right now, where I would be right now if I still swam... Instead I'm going to school and getting bullied and listening to people whisper about me behind my back and brushing off insults and stressing about my friends. I'm dealing with my racist, sexist, etcetera grandfather. I'm missing my boyfriend. I'm bottling up my rage at my closest friends because they keep on being mean to my boyfriend and saying bad stuff about him. I'm bottling up my sadness, because I don't want them feeling guilty about it, because what they say really hurts me.

And I could be in California with my swim group. Laughing. Tanning. Having a good time. Listening to music. Going out at night. Enjoying the beach. Watching a sunset.

It's a wonder I'm still holding myself together for the most part.

-Persephone

Mr. Sun?

Dear Mr. Sun

Where the hell are you?! Umm, it's supposed to be sunny

today. So get out from the clouds and start sun shining

away! Three days of rain? Um, no. If I'm going do have a

fun weekend, I'm gonna need some rays! So get out of your

little hiding clouds. Stop being lazy!! Kthxbai~!

Love,

Persephone

Idiot

So I'm a really, really big idiot sometimes. This we've established. If I'm being an idiot now, I'm really ok with it. 'Cause I know it makes me happy. I'm gonna just go with Poseidon having been serious. I told my friend Care Bear all the stuff that happened and she says I'm just being an idiot and, yes, he does love me. So if he wasn't serious...

Well, whatever. I am serious.

-Persephone

Flower Petals

Feelings... Emotions... They're... I don't know how to say it. They're something that can be wonderful, yet such a burden. And when you don't know how you feel, that's awful. But when you don't know if somebody's being serious or not is the absolute worst. And what if you assume they're being serious, but they're not? That's awful. Then there's the misunderstanding and awkward situation that's inevitably going to follow...

I feel like I need a flower to pick the petals off of. He loves me... He loves me not...

On my previous rant, I was complaining about boys and how confusing they are and the like. It's almost like they're more confusing when they do something amazing. Like give you a locket for your birthday that says "I Love You..." on the front. And a card that says stuff like "You truly are the best" and what not! Nugh. I'm insanely happy, but confused.

Damn my easily confused brain...

And damn my insecure heart...

On second thought, don't damn them. I kinda need them, even if they are crap. I want to let my reckless heart fall to pieces and pray that he'll hold them together, but... My paranoia is so strong... He's so... He changes his mind so much. He'll say one thing, then the complete opposite. "I need a lot of space" and now "I love you"?

If you think I'm an idiot for being confused, you should probably get your sanity checked. I legitimately worry about you, whoever you are.

-Persephone

Boys

Boys are just that. Boys. They are all so... Ugh! Immature? I don't know. They can't... Make up their minds! Girls are so much more mature than guys! Guys are so... Stupid! We should throw rocks at them or something. I just... GOD! Nugh. I should explain.

So Artemis and Apollo? Yeah, their relationship is a relationshit. And Poseidon and myself? Not so great! It's barely a relationship. We don't do anything, goddammit! I'm barely coping here. He rarely kisses me... I haven't had a peck on the lips, even, in over a month. I am a needy girl, people! And he needs "space". WTF is that?! Um, hello, he's the one that wanted me back! He kissed me and asked me out. So he should want to spend time with me and take me out on a date, yeah?! You'd think so! UGH!

But it's just so unfair. The excuses, the neglect, the... Huff. And then there's those moments where boys are so amazing. They give the best hugs and are so insanely sweet. So damned annoying! UGH! Hate them, can't live without them...

Not fair.

So I'm just scraping by here... Irked... Poseidon didn't even know what that word meant 'till I had to tell him... Nugh... Tomorrow's my birthday. Hope things look up.

-Persephone

Mother's Day

Usually, Mother's Day takes place on my birthday. This year, I was fortunate enough for it to be the week before my birthday. Next year, on my sweet sixteen, it'll be Mother's Day. Sucky trade, since this year's kinda lame. Totally wish it could've been different... Well, any who. For Mother's Day, my mother and I spent the day together. We went to the mall and shopped around and had Chinese food. I guess it wasn't exactly much of a treat for her, though. I spent about... 200 dollars on myself and didn't buy her anything.

I feel pretty guilty.

BUT MY NEW CLOTHES ARE AMAZINGLY PRETTY! =D

-Persephone

Talk

So Poseidon and I have... Sorta worked things out. Sorta. We're gonna talk later and I'll probably post about that tonight, or edit this post. Anyway... Well, we may end the relationship for a while. He's not really sure he wants to be dating, what with so much drama in life. He has mixed feelings. I want to be with him, but not if that isn't what he wants. Dad raised me to know that guys need a lot of space and to respect that, no matter what it is that I want. I guess that's sorta made me awkward with relationships, always paranoid about doing something wrong or smothering the other person.

Anyway, just wanted to update. Things are... Ok. Poseidon and I are going to talk. I can take a deep breath. He's not mad... He's just disappointed and hurt.

On another note! I found out that my first ever best friend and true big sister is sorta in the same boat at me, only kinda worse. She was dating another guy for three weeks behind her official boyfriend's back. So when the secret relationship died, she felt extremely guilty. And, like me, she felt that she needed to be honest. So she told her boyfriend and he ended the relationship with her. She's really... Not ok right now. She feels so torn up. I want to be there for her, but I'm not sure what I can do for her. We don't really hang out much or talk much for that matter. I want to be there for her. She really wants to get back together with her ex, but he's starting to date another girl.

I hope she can find some way to work things out and be alright...

-Persephone

~EDITED STUFF~

Well, Poseidon and I haven't exactly talked about what we're gonna do, but we're still together, I guess. Things aren't awkward... Far as I can tell. Just need space, y'know? Anyway... Yeah. Spend a good 10-ish hours with him today and a couple other guys. Twas fun! The guys are such dorks. But I wouldn't have them any other way. It'd be really weird if they weren't such dorks. Really, really weird.

Anyway, just posting to say... Things with Poseidon and I are... Not awkward... Not perfect... But ok.

-Persephone

Slut

I've always said I'm a little bit of a slut. I guess I've never really explained why. I can't deal with committed relationships. I get scared. I'm scared of being needy. I have trust issues which lead to me being disloyal. So I try to stay clear of relationships, so that I won't end up hurting the other person. Unfortunately, I can't seem to stick to staying away from one particular guy who is completely amazing and deserves somebody a zillion and one times better than me! And I screwed up. Big time. Like... Really big.

I went to my friend's place after school on Wednesday because I was really stressed and needed some girl time to just relax and complain to each other. At the beginning of that day, I'd told my best guy friend that I had this awful feeling I was going to do something I would regret. He didn't fully understand. I was telling him because, on a subconscious level, I knew that I was going to do something extremely awful and that I wouldn't be able to stop it and that I needed him to help me stop it before it had a chance to happen. Of course, when I told him I was going to do something I would regret, I had no idea it was actually going to end up that way.

See, I have a sort of... Eerily accurate intuition. Often times, it's like I'm psychic. The better I know a person, the easier it is for me to predict their future. Often I'll do readings for friends I know well, and often times I'm right. I say often, because even though I have yet to get a reading wrong, I very well could in the future. Now that I'm getting to know who I am, I can predict my own future. I just don't always realize it.

So anyway... I went to this girl's house after school. And, well, I was complaining and she was cheering me up... And I guess she figured the best way to take my mind off things was by kissing me! Well, I kinda worked. And my conscious was like "UM WHAT ABOUT POSEIDON?!" and, of course, I didn't listen, because she did this... I don't even know, but it completely wiped all thought from my mind and I let her kiss me...

I am a terrible girlfriend and such a slut... Nnnn...

Well, yeah, anyway... Once I got my bearings back, I looked at the clock and was like "SHIT!" because I had to go to Poseidon's so that we could go to this barn dance thingie... And it took all my acting skill to tell my friend that I had to leave and act like nothing was wrong when I was with Poseidon and my friends and stuff and ugh. I wasn't going to tell him... But then at the barn dance it was just... He was so amazing. I felt so guilty and it's been tearing me up since. And then yesterday I was crying at school and Artemis and my best guy friend found me and then I managed to pull myself together enough to tell them what I did wrong and then I fell apart again and they calmed me down enough that I had this paper thin mask on so that I could go to class... Or at least convince them to go to class. And Artemis had a science test so she ran into the building and I was about to crumble again so I took a moment to take a breath and then she came sprinting from the building with Poseidon in tow and I just broke completely and started crying... If he hadn't seen me like that, maybe I wouldn't've had to put him through pain like I did... but... I just...

Well, he comforted me. Which only added to my guilt. And he told me everything would be ok and respected that I didn't want to talk about it. I said that I should talk about it, but that I didn't think I could. And the first words from my mouth to him were "I did something I regret and I'm so sorry". But he just kept telling me things would be ok and held me tight... God, I'm such an awful person for doing this to him.

So after that... With him comforting me and his being so amazing at the dance... I just couldn't not tell him. It wasn't fair to him. So at the dance at his school there was a chance to talk to him... So I told him. I had a chance with him alone outside the building and I managed to blurt it out and explain that she kissed me first and I was just really emotional and overwhelmed and stressed and stuff...

I feel like saying those things is an excuse, though, and I really don't have any excuse for what I did there. I don't want to be begging and stuff, I want him to make a decision about what we'll do judging on what's going to make him happiest. I don't want to hurt him anymore... I'll go through any pain if it means he can be happy...

-Persephone/Sparrow/Juliet/Yours

Selfish

Is it selfish to want more from a relationship? Ok, I know I said I wasn't going to rant on this blog about my boyfriend or complain about him, but I am a teenage girl and can't really help it sometimes. So get over it. I'm going to rant!

I dunno what's wrong... Ok, that's lying. I do know. Full well. We've been together since April 11th and still haven't gone on a date. I guess it can't really be helped... We're both really busy. More like I'm really busy and he isn't really planning anything. We were going to go to a movie, but then he got sick. He'd only just getting better... I think he might be better now. So I guess it can't really be helped, but still! Ugh. I hate it. To be honest. What else that's wrong is that I'm not really getting what I need... Once again due to his getting sick! And it's kinda my fault, too... I was sick before he was. Which got in the way. I really need a relationship where it's openly affectionate. But I'm not getting that affection, am I? Nooo. He hasn't kissed me since we started going out.

Wow I sound like a superficial girl. I should shut up now.

-Persephone

Dead?

Dead. It's a bit of a frightening word. And when you put it in the same sentence as "Osama bin Laden", you usually think there's been a terrorist attack on the states. Except for today, it seems. According to breaking news, Osama bin Landen is dead, killed in a firefight. Is it too good to be true? They claim they have DNA evidence...

I know that there's a lot of people who are really happy about this. This is the same man who ordered 9/11, right? So we should be thrilled, yes? It's a big step in the war.

I've still got mixed feelings. I don't know why. This man was awful... But do people really deserve to die for what they believe in, just because it's not the same you believe? I hate war so much... It's just so much unnecessary violence and death. So many families are now lacking sons, fathers, brothers... Daughters, mothers, sisters...

Things are only going to get worse... Killing only leads to more killing.

-Persephone