Flush It Out

I'm not really even sure what's wrong with me. I've been really, really moody lately and I think my depression might be sneaking up on me again. But I'm not sure. I'm really worried, I don't want to go through all that again. But I can slowly feel my emotions slipping through my fingers... Like when you pool water in your hands and slowly but surely it all drip drops away. I dunno. Everything's getting on my nerves, too. I'm hyper sensitive about anything. I'm brushing it off as PMS, but I don't usually get it this bad...

I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that if I was still swimming, I'd be headed to California right about now. But I'm not heading to California, am I? No, sir.

I just... Ahh... I don't even know. I miss my boyfriend a lot. People are complaining to me a lot. I haven't had a good, long, complaining rant in a long time. I think that's what I need. To complain and complain and complain and have somebody listen without judging me. Whenever I try to rant, people turn it into their own ranting sessions. I have a lot of issues I need to get out! And not just onto this blog, though this blog does help a lot... Without this blog to vent in, I don't know what I'd do.

I think mom's becoming depressed. She's sad and tired all the time.

I feel guilty. Like somehow it's my fault. Like I should do something. But I'm too stressed and emotional to spare time to listen to her and I'm too annoyed at everybody else to give her much needed sympathy. And I keep turning her down for walks because I'm in a lot of physical pain lately. I feel so guilty. It's being denied these things that make you depressed. The little things... They just add up.

I really want to spend time with my boyfriend and just rant to him and vent, but he doesn't understand depression. When he offers me advice, he always says to "focus on the good things in life", but the thing about depression is that you try to do that and it just doesn't work. Depression isn't something that can be solved by looking on the upside. The upside is also the downside. There's no moving forwards. It's hard. And I don't want advice and if I go to him, it's exactly what I'm going to get.

I might sound like I want it, but I do not want sympathy.

Sympathy is a waste of time in my case. I just need somebody to listen and give me a hug or something. Just... I just need somebody who's going to listen to me rant.

I can't even rant to Cookie anymore...

-Persephone