Slut

I've always said I'm a little bit of a slut. I guess I've never really explained why. I can't deal with committed relationships. I get scared. I'm scared of being needy. I have trust issues which lead to me being disloyal. So I try to stay clear of relationships, so that I won't end up hurting the other person. Unfortunately, I can't seem to stick to staying away from one particular guy who is completely amazing and deserves somebody a zillion and one times better than me! And I screwed up. Big time. Like... Really big.

I went to my friend's place after school on Wednesday because I was really stressed and needed some girl time to just relax and complain to each other. At the beginning of that day, I'd told my best guy friend that I had this awful feeling I was going to do something I would regret. He didn't fully understand. I was telling him because, on a subconscious level, I knew that I was going to do something extremely awful and that I wouldn't be able to stop it and that I needed him to help me stop it before it had a chance to happen. Of course, when I told him I was going to do something I would regret, I had no idea it was actually going to end up that way.

See, I have a sort of... Eerily accurate intuition. Often times, it's like I'm psychic. The better I know a person, the easier it is for me to predict their future. Often I'll do readings for friends I know well, and often times I'm right. I say often, because even though I have yet to get a reading wrong, I very well could in the future. Now that I'm getting to know who I am, I can predict my own future. I just don't always realize it.

So anyway... I went to this girl's house after school. And, well, I was complaining and she was cheering me up... And I guess she figured the best way to take my mind off things was by kissing me! Well, I kinda worked. And my conscious was like "UM WHAT ABOUT POSEIDON?!" and, of course, I didn't listen, because she did this... I don't even know, but it completely wiped all thought from my mind and I let her kiss me...

I am a terrible girlfriend and such a slut... Nnnn...

Well, yeah, anyway... Once I got my bearings back, I looked at the clock and was like "SHIT!" because I had to go to Poseidon's so that we could go to this barn dance thingie... And it took all my acting skill to tell my friend that I had to leave and act like nothing was wrong when I was with Poseidon and my friends and stuff and ugh. I wasn't going to tell him... But then at the barn dance it was just... He was so amazing. I felt so guilty and it's been tearing me up since. And then yesterday I was crying at school and Artemis and my best guy friend found me and then I managed to pull myself together enough to tell them what I did wrong and then I fell apart again and they calmed me down enough that I had this paper thin mask on so that I could go to class... Or at least convince them to go to class. And Artemis had a science test so she ran into the building and I was about to crumble again so I took a moment to take a breath and then she came sprinting from the building with Poseidon in tow and I just broke completely and started crying... If he hadn't seen me like that, maybe I wouldn't've had to put him through pain like I did... but... I just...

Well, he comforted me. Which only added to my guilt. And he told me everything would be ok and respected that I didn't want to talk about it. I said that I should talk about it, but that I didn't think I could. And the first words from my mouth to him were "I did something I regret and I'm so sorry". But he just kept telling me things would be ok and held me tight... God, I'm such an awful person for doing this to him.

So after that... With him comforting me and his being so amazing at the dance... I just couldn't not tell him. It wasn't fair to him. So at the dance at his school there was a chance to talk to him... So I told him. I had a chance with him alone outside the building and I managed to blurt it out and explain that she kissed me first and I was just really emotional and overwhelmed and stressed and stuff...

I feel like saying those things is an excuse, though, and I really don't have any excuse for what I did there. I don't want to be begging and stuff, I want him to make a decision about what we'll do judging on what's going to make him happiest. I don't want to hurt him anymore... I'll go through any pain if it means he can be happy...

-Persephone/Sparrow/Juliet/Yours