Live

So! I have decided I want to live! Did I already talk about this..? I feel like I already have. Have I? Gosh, I have to check now! Give me a couple seconds! ... And I haven't! Alright! So I want to live. Not "live" in that sort of sense where "ok, you're breathing, you're alive", but in that sense where you feel alive and you enjoy life and live it to the fullest! I got a little taste of that today and I want more and more! If I just smile and look at things positively, I think that I'll be able to really feel again! It's taken me so long... But I know that I can do this! And I want to. So bad. So I will.

As I have said, "I'm going to live like I'm flying, cry because I'm laughing, and love without regretting". This is going to be my new motto! Just like my new meditation: "Learn from the past, live in the present, look to the future". I think I can really do this!

On another, more girly note... I went shopping today and with my mom. She wanted to get a top to go with her new, blue snake skin shoes and navy suit. We would up buying her a pretty sundress that doesn't go with her shoes or have anything to do with an office. OH! And she bought me this really pretty shirt. It's got a little black shrug and it's blue and green and flow-y... I love it! It's really comfortable and looks so good! I just need some excuse to wear it. I like it, though, and it was roughly $100.00! So I'm going to need to wear it a lot! But I think I can do that. Can't be too hard, yeah? Maybe I could wear it to school some time... Though it is a little dressy. Eh, I've worn more dressy things to school before! Anyway, I'll need to buy some skinny jeans that don't have rips on them to wear with the top. My skinny jeans look odd with it because of the rips. Shopping trip soon~! Maybe tomorrow, before we go to the play.

I could wear it to the play! Oooooh, I'm excited.

Well, gotta go to baby sitting!

-Persephone

Hypnotic Melody

Talesweaver... Gosh the soundtrack is amazing. The piano accompanied by an assortment of other instrument and the occasional voice! It's magic in it's own way. I love it. My friend Hades got me addicted to the soundtrack a while back. My favourite track... I think it's called Reminiscence. I could be wrong, though. But, well, y'know, nobody's perfect and I play the songs by ear. I think it's the second run version or something, as Hades just commented when there was a change up.

We're talking on Skype at the moment and listening to the soundtrack.

Life is pretty nice right now. This early in the morning, things take on a nice feel. And that might just be it. I can feel when I'm half asleep. I love it. Thoughts come easier and I can really solve problems that have been bothering me for a while. I also learn how I feel towards people. Really feel, not just how I interoperate.

Ah, you may have noticed... I can't quite spell as well this early in the morning.

I apologize now.

Now then... I'm not entirely sure what to talk about, so I feel I will just ramble? Today I'm going to see a movie... I'm really looking forwards to it. I'll get to see a ton of my friends! Since we're on spring break right now, I haven't seen them in about a week. I've been up at the mountain, as you know, and thus have been away... Or I've had plans with other groups of friends. So I'm looking forwards to seeing everyone!

Ah, and I really want to see the movie. Red Riding Hood. It'll be good! =D

I'll probably post in the evening.

-Persephone

Thank You

Dear you...

It's ok, you know. I understand that you're confused.

I don't think you'll ever read this, but I want you to

know that I will always be here for you. No matter

what happens. I have a new reason to live, and I really

should thank you for that. You taught me a lot. It's

going to be a really slow process, but I know that I'll

get out of the hole I've dug myself into these past years.

I'm still really scared. I don't know what I'm doing. But

I'm getting better. I'm a little less forgetful and a little

more carefree. Things don't weigh as heavily on my mind.

At least, they don't constantly. I still have my chamber of

secrets, little whispers in the back of my mind. I'll be sure

to keep your secret safe, as well as all the others people

have entrusted to me. Maybe, with time, I'll forget them.

If I'm lucky, when people find the answer to these secrets,

they'll fade in me as they do in them. Maybe there will be

a time when these secrets won't be secret anymore. Until

that time, though, I want you to know that because of you,

I can be strong. I can live with this burden, and I find it a lot

easier than it once was. I can live a little more selfishly.

I still miss you. A lot. And I still wish you were here. But if

all I ever get is to talk to you once in a while... I think I can

live with that. If you're happy, I can be happy, and that's all

I really know for sure. I have a lot of fears, I have a lot of heavy

troubles. But I'm going to work at facing these demons. I'm sure

that I will concur them. Writing this letter to you... Already

it's helping my heart heal a bit. All the little pieces... They're

holding up. For now. I'm going to need help during this... And

I know that I can't necessarily count on you to help me. But I

have friends who are here for me and a roof over my head. I'll

just live day by day. I'll try to stop looking so far into the future.

Maybe I'll stop getting my hopes up so high, eventually. Maybe.

But... Thank you. For everything. It means everything to me.

I miss you.

~Persephone

Silent Music

Sometimes, I really love life. If I could life like I do during spring break all the time, life would be perfect. I've got my music, my writing, the comfort of my bed... I don't know what would make this better than it already it.

Well, alright, there is one thing. A really sexy maid. Or a really sexy butler. Either works. So, if it isn't too much trouble..? Ha, joking, joking! But seriously, that'd be awesome. Then again, somebody to chat with would be great too.

So, I've got a theory about how to stop the pain from my accidents. If I just never move again, I'll be just fine. And to keep from gaining weight, I just won't eat. It's fool proof. Except for the fact that I'll die if I don't eat and/or drink. So maybe I should get out of bed and actually go eat something. It's, like, noon! And I still haven't eaten. Then again, I'm not all that hungry.

Ok, I'm lying. I'm famished.

I just don't want to eat.

Why? Too lazy to get up, go downstairs, and make myself something.

I'm just that cool.

So, I think I started writing this entry with a purpose, I've just forgotten what it was now. I think I was going to talk about something... But I seem to have forgotten it. Shame, it was something really epic.

-Persephone

Pain

So I'm kinda, sorta, really in a lot of pain. A lot! It sucks because pain medication isn't working. Perhaps I should explain this... But first I'll start by saying that I'm sorry for not writing and stuff. I was up at the ski hill and there wasn't internet connection. So... Yeah.

Anyway, at the ski hill, I got in a couple really bad accidents. The first time I had to go to the hospital. I got to ride in an ambulance, which would've been great, but the plastic thing they strapped me to (yes, strapped), was really uncomfortable. And there was a screw or something jabbing me in the back of the head which gave me a really bad head ache. And I was in a lot of pain. So it wasn't all that fun.

Anyway, the accident. I had been trying to avoid a little kid and I was going really, really fast. So I tried using my front edge to just slip around him without hurting the little guy. Unfortunately, snow conditions were crap, for lack of a better word. Seriously. This stuff was hard as cement and really hard to board on. So I wound up air born and then I was coming down hard on my shoulder. I flipped, like, three times at least. The paramedics called this cartwheeling. It was really painful. Anyway, surprisingly, I didn't lose consciousness. I think I would've been much happier had I passed out. I couldn't breath properly and the right side of my body felt like it was on fire. So I was screaming in pain and people are just going right along past me.

What the hell?!

I'm lying there screaming for help and they just go about their marry way! Excuse me for saying it, but that was a bit rude. Anyway, a guy finally stopped and was like "Are you ok?" and in my head I was really mean and was thinking, "Oh, yeah, of course I'm fine! I just feel like lying here and screaming bloody murder!" All I could get out was a feeble and strained "help me". Anyway, he got a friend and they went off to get help. My friend showed up and stayed there with me. Some lady came along and said she was a paramedic. So she helped me out and prepped me a bit for what was to come. Then the ski patrol guys showed up and jabbed at me. It hurt and was really annoying. I had to be brought to the first aid station in one of those sled things. Really uncomfortable, by the way. Then I got this huge needle stuck in my arm for the IV. I swear it's going to scar! It's a big hole! Back to the story. Ambulance took me to the emergency and the nurse was really nice. Then I had to wait in the emergency room for four hours. I really had to pee. Like, really bad. That IV thing? I'd already had two of those. Two litres! Yeah. Then the doctor comes and he was mean. Really, really, really mean. He was shouting at me and made me cry harder than I already was from the pain. Then he storms off grumbling and the nurse comes back. She says that somebody will be there soon to take me to get X-Rays.

X-Rays?! Why couldn't they just let me go home?! Give me some pain meds?!

But the X-Ray lady was really nice. She took a bunch of scans of my neck, chest and shoulder. X-Rays were cleared and they let me go home after shooting me full of pain medication. Unfortunately, it wasn't the kind that made you high.

Because that would've been interesting.

So! The second accident is a lot lamer than that long story up there. I was being snapped at by everybody to keep my speed down and be careful because of the first accident. And since I had been kinda distracted by talking to my friend about my plans for Saturday (a bunch of my friends and me are going to see Red Riding Hood), I wasn't really paying much attention. So I had to slow down. As I swung around to stop, I hit a bump.

Not good. At all. Ever. Under any circumstances.

The bump got me air born, I leaned forward slightly, my front edge caught in the hard-as-rock snow and I flew through the air, banging up everything that was already banged up. Again. Ugh. I couldn't breath again, everything was pain, people wanted to call the ambulance and all I could do was snap at them to not call anybody.

I hadn't forgotten the extreme pain from having to go to the bathroom so badly.

I doubt I ever will.

So, yeah, I'm in a hell of a lot of pain for another good month. Whoop-de-do.

-Persephone

New Favourite Song

And now, just because I love it so much, I'm going to write down all the lyrics! I've been listening to this song none stop for the past... twelve or more hours! It's called "If My Heart Was a House" and it's by Owl City, one of the most amazing band/singers EVER!

You're the sky that I fell through

And I remember the view

Whenever I'm holding you

The sun hung from a string

Looking down on the world as it warms over everything

Chills run down my spine

As our fingers entwine

And your sighs harmonize with mine

Unmistakably

I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me

We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)

That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Rick it all cause I'll catch you when you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best

I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the West

Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you

Cause you favourite shade is navy blue

I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)

Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Rick it all cause I'll catch you when you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

If my heart was a house you'd be home

If you can't figure out what this reminds me of... You haven't been reading this blog enough. But I will tell you anyway. I reminds me of him. I love this song... It touches me in a way no other song has before. It reminds me of everything... The smell of the sea, the feeling of safety, of hope and happiness... And sadness... I love this song. So much. Words can't describe it.

-Persephone

Fear

I'm tired... Just oh so tired... I don't know what it means. It might've been yesterday morning that mother told me my diet would end up killing me. Lately, all I ever eat is fruit, some yogurt, and the occasional drink... I barely eat any of my dinner. I'm just never hungry. And I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to be unappealing.

My head aches... My body aches... All the time. I'm cold and hot. I'm shaky. I'm afraid. Today, I couldn't stand to be touched. Even people poking me gave me shivers. My fear is getting worse. I can't understand it. I think it has to do with my father. I know I should call somebody... But if I do... I'll have to move away from here. I'll either go to my aunt and uncle in Edmonton or to a foster home or something. I couldn't handle that. Ever. How could I keep in touch with my friends? How would I keep my instruments with me? I'd lose more than I would gain, I think... And it's just a fear. So long as people don't touch me more than necessary, I'll be fine. I'll be fine...

Reminds me of a quote... I don't exactly remember it... It was something like this: "Fine. Freaked out, insecure, nervous, erratic". I'm not entirely sure about erratic, but it's all I could think of. I'm fairly sure the rest is right.

I've been writing a lot of poetry lately... It's amazing the amount that's in my note book. When I fill it, I'll see about entering some contests. Maybe I'll win some cash. Or maybe I could see about making a book, a collection, or whatever you want to call it. Get the thing published. Could happen, you never know. Just gotta talk to some people. It'd be interesting, to say the least. Maybe I'd make some profit. Who knows, really? Who knows...

-Persephone

Japan

You all know full well what happened in Japan... I was so worried... Am so worried... About my best friend, Cookie. And about my family there. Cookie had gotten on a plane the previous day to go to Japan. I heard from her a day ago that she and her family were ok. Their plane had gotten there just as the earthquake began and they had to fly around in the sky until it ended, but they're all alright! I have yet to hear from my family living in Hong Kong... I hope they're alright? They've basically severed all ties to the rest of the family... But I still worry about them. They're my family, I love them. Especially my cousins.

I hope Japan manages to get back on its feet and repair all that has been destroyed. I also hope they can find those missing bullet trains, as well as all the other missing people. I hope everybody there will be alright.

-Persephone

Finally something has happened that is worth talking about. Yesterday, I officially quit swimming. Bullshit. Sorry, that was a bad word. Anyway, yeah, so I finally gave in. I can't deal with dad's crap anymore. Ugh, I just got a disgusted feeling. In all honesty, I am revolted by my father. But I shouldn't get into why. I'll just say he's the reason for a lot of my fears.

Another thing that happened. My best friend Cookie is in Japan right now. I was so terrified. I thought that she was going to die. Luckily, her plane got to Japan just as the earthquake was starting. So they had to fly around for six hours as destruction reigned below. Lucky doesn't cut it. But I was so terrified. I thought she was going to have died or something, and I'd have never forgiven myself. We were in a bit of a fight, I guess.

But not any more! We're all good.

So... I'm kinda stuck on things to do for sports. I'm going to try out for the tennis team on Wednesday... And I'll be going running every weekend... And I'll get a membership to the gym... And as the weather gets better, I'll bike more. But what am I supposed to do with all this free time I have now? I'm really inexperienced with free time. It's a little frightening to have so much time and nothing to use it for.

Homework is done way too fast.

So, if you have any ideas... Drop a comment? Much appreciated.

-Persephone

Parties

And don't forget the hangover feeling after, even though you haven't touched any alcohol! Seriously, I don't drink. Sometimes it seems like it... But I don't. Nor do I do drugs. That is also a bad thing. Bad things are bad. Don't do bad things.

Except for mosh pits.

Those are amazingly, fantastically, uber fun.

Anyway, so last night was Poseidon's birthday party (finally). So fun! 'Cept they all made me drink coffee... Ick. Never doing that again. Although it didn't taste as bad at I thought (But don't tell them that! I'll never live it down!!). Anyway, I lost my voice after screaming and singing for hours and hours and is was so much fun. Me and the girls kept playing dirty songs way too loudly and screaming out the lyrics while dancing accordingly. Which means a miniature mosh pit and lots of four-way grinding. Fun~!

But the mix tape I made for him didn't play well. It must've gotten scratched... I'll ask him if he wants me to burn another. And I drew him a picture to fit one of his nicknames (though I won't say the nickname, because it gives away Poseidon's actual name) and I think he liked it. I read palms for Aphrodite and Artemis.

Anyway, it was fun! But I forgot my favourite necklace and my tarot cards at Poseidon's... I have no clue when I'm going to get them back. I hope soon! ... Sad face.

Anyway, over all, a really awesome night. I really need to find out the artist(s) who did the paintings in his house... They are amazing pieces of art.

-Persephone

Homework

It's what I should be doing right now. But, of course, I'm procrastinating. Which means I'll be up, like, all night working on this stuff. Sigh. My head hurts. But on a positive note, my shoulders seem to be getting better. The original injury in '09 doesn't bother me much anymore and the injury from last November doesn't bother me too much. I get an occasional spike, but that's all. And the latest one is improving on both sides. I can only swim for an hour each day, it's true, but it's getting better. I feel that it's stronger... Still, it frustrates me. So much. I can't go as fast as I would like to.

On a new note, I'm really into art lately. The blog "blow at life" has a lot of brilliant artwork. Those art fans out there may like to check it out. And for something funny, the blog "Hyperbole and a Half" is a popular one. Thought I'd mention them.

Yawn... I'm staring at my bed longingly. I wish I could just crawl in and go to sleep, but I have work I need to do. How lame... And now I'm turning into Shikimaru from Naruto, it seems. Did I spell his name right? Ah, whatever. Too lazy to check.

I'll leave you with a poem.

Leave me on the curb

on a moonless winter night

in the care of heartless November

Push aside the burden

of my worthless existence

and live free of aches and pains

Even if I am to suffer

I hope for you to stand tall

and give another hope for happiness

-Persephone