Pain and Pleasure

I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm putting myself through so much pain for these little moments of insane pleasure. And I guess that's it... It's totally insane. What am I doing?

What am I doing?

He doesn't realize it half the time, just how much happiness he gives me... He never realizes how much pain he brings me... And I really doubt that he'll ever be able to contemplate the power he has over me. Emotions like this are what I was running from for so long, what I'm still so terrified of. Pain and pleasure... They're one and the same, in so many ways. And you can't have pleasure without pain. But pain can come without pleasure... Really, it's your choice if you want to make that pain worth while.

They say that everyone in this world is going to hurt you, and that eventually you're going to find the person that's worth hurting for. But how can you tell who's worth hurting for? How do you know? Is it when you catch yourself staring into space because just the thought of them pushes the rest of the world into the background? Or is it when just their voice can erase any sadness inside of you? Maybe it's that, when they're around, your mind just shuts down and you can't think of anything to say and you're completely tongue tied? Could it be when you forgive them for destroying you?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't... I...

...

I hate that. I hate not knowing things. I used to have the answer for everything, but lately it's like I'm in the dark. What am I doing? Oh, dear God, what am I doing? I'm so confused... But I spent all my wishes already... How could I ask for more?

Maybe not knowing is just part of it all... My future never shows me anything in my readings. It's always the mystery... I pray for answers, but I never get any. Maybe I'm not looking in the right direction? Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

So many maybes...

-Persephone

Tongue Tied

For any of you who read this that have been in relationships, don't you hate it when your boyfriend or girlfriend totally takes over your thoughts? It's been that way for me for quite some time and, frankly, it's annoying. When I'm away from him, he's all I can think about. And when I'm with him, I can't think at all! So it's hard to have a conversation, because I'm so tongue tied. My thoughts just shut down and I'm like "ohmygawd 8D" and then I just can't do anything and it's just... Yeah. It sucks. There's so many things we could talk about, but it's just impossible to form words or ideas. Just doesn't work.

But in a way, being tongue tied is kinda great. Because I'm tongue tied from being so happy just being around him. It's a paradox, in some senses. I think it's just weird.

Enough! I'm determined not to turn this blog into a mush fest about my boyfriend.

I have a best friend for that.

Anyway... Yesterday me and my family went for a hike around the lake. I was texting my friend who lives across the country and my parents went all anal on me like "They're a pedo!" and I got really pissed at them. I ran ahead and kept marching at three times their speed, sometimes just plain running. I was so mad... Because she's helped me through so much and she's just such an amazing friend to me. I know her online, of course, but we're really close. So... Yeah, it just really pissed me off. Eventually I found a spot totally alone and sat and watched the lake. It was gorgeous and it calmed me down a lot. When my parents finally caught up to me, though, I got all ticked again. They started teasing me, saying I was upset because I missed my boyfriend. I was really peeved, I didn't talk to them. When they started walking again, I got up and walked behind them. Looking back on it now, I kinda like the memory. They were holding hands and acting like they were sixteen and in love, not fifty and married. It made me feel like we were closer to being a family... Except for the fact that I felt completely shut out from the picture. Bittersweet... But I liked that they were acting like they were in love and not fighting like usual.

Anyway. Soon enough Cookie will be over. I haven't seen her in ages. I think she and I will walk down to the movie store, even though it's kinda far, and rent a movie. Maybe Poseidon will be able to meet her, since he lives in the area. It'll be interesting to see what happens, eh? Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see~! I'll keep you posted.

-Persephone

Missing You

Dear... You know

I'm probably not going to see you

this weekend... And I admit that it

really makes me sad. I miss you so

much already and it's been barely

over a day since I last saw you. I

could really use one of your hugs

right now. I was being an idiot

with Artemis, Demeter, Dionysus,

and one of the mortals again. You

should've figured out the one by

now, if you ever read these. Which

I highly doubt since you probably

don't even know this blog's url...

I should probably give it to you.

I want to talk to you so bad. But

I also want to give you space...

I hope you're having fun with your

friend out at the cabin. I also

kind of hope, and rather selfishly,

that you miss me a fraction of how

much I miss you right now... I very

selfishly hope that you wish I were

there to just be with you and laugh

with you and be an idiot, too...

I listened to the song today. Is

that really what you think? It had me

smiling like an idiot again... Oh,

I doubt I'm the perfect girl for

you, yet I really hope that I am.

I kind of feel like I am... I'm not

the worst, that's for sure. I could

be better... I promise that I will

try to be everything you want and

everything that you need. I want to

be that for you, because I know

that you're perfect for me, too.

I think I'll be able to go to that

camp this summer... It's something

I really look forward to. And the

fact that you talk as though we're

still going to be us so far ahead...

I hope you're right. I want us to

last, though I know we're not going

to have a particularly smooth ride.

I'm not going anywhere, though....

I hope you realize and remember that.

I'm not the best when it comes to

loyalties... I have my bruises and I

have my bumps. My own collection of

skeletons in the closet... I've cleaned

out most of them this past month, though.

I don't want you to have to deal with

so much trouble, just because of me.

I never want to trouble or burden you,

even though I undoubtedly will. I just

really hope I can conquer this last one

soon. Things will be a lot better if I

can... I get the feeling I'm going to

need your help, though. I get that

uneasy feeling it's going to be more

than slightly troublesome for you.

Sorry in advance. Please stick around?

Like I said... I miss you. I can't

wait to see you again after the weekend.

-Persephone

Summer Project

So for some bizarre reason I really wanna redo my room. And get a futon. Which are kinda uncomfortable. But for some reason, I really wanna do it. So I will. Yup. See, I love modern kind of furniture. And the furniture in my room is as far from modern as you can get. Save my desk. Which I love. So much. Black and silver metal legs and frame... Glass surface... It's my baby. I love it. Then I want to get a black, modern-styled futon. And I want a mount for my TV on the wall. And modern furniture and stuff. Like a new dresser and night stand and stuff. And black milk crates for shelves.

That's right; milk crates.

They are the shiz.

Don't judge.

So once I get new furniture cheep from some place I'm going to repaint my room. I want to pain the walls white and splatter them with colors, sort of like in the music video for Second Go by LIGHTS. So pink and blue and yellow and green... Yeah, bright colors. I think it'd look cool. Only problem is the wood work in my room... Don't think it'd really match all that great. Which sucks. I'll have to think of something. Maybe change the colors I splatter on the walls to red and black or something on the white background. Actually, that'd look pretty cool. And I want a black, fuzzy rug instead of this weird spacey thing I've got going on from grade two or something. Then I want band posters everywhere. Of course, I'll still keep my artwork somewhere... Just haven't decided where yet. Maybe I'll tuck it all away in one of my milk crates.

I'm really happy about this milk crate thing.

If you don't get it, you don't get anything.

...

Milk crates are the shiz.

Just saying.

-Persephone

Sick

It's been quite some time since I've written. Not much has happened, I suppose... But I did make one fatal mistake that is really one of those things where it just keeps smacking you over the head every chance it gets... Yeah. I went camping.

I think we all know how this should've ended.

Surprisingly, camping went well. I didn't fall off a cliff, although I nearly did numerous times. No, what the fatal mistake was, was the fact that I went camping when I was fully aware that I was facing impending sickness. My mom's got this awful cold and she's always coughing and sniffling and raging headaches 24/7... Yeah, the whole shebang. And I was doing pretty good at not catching this cold! Until I decided that camping when it's cold and wet is a really, really good idea. Yeah. I'm a smart one.

So, not surprisingly, I got sick. I've been taking zinc and a variety of medications, so I didn't get hit too hard... But this pesky little cold I've got now is determined to bit me in the ass every opportunity it gets. My english teacher even commented that I sounded/looked absolutely terrible. What a lovely pick-me-up when you're feeling a little blue and just wishing the day were over!

I'm being a cynical, PMSing, teenage high school girl. Bare with me. Because like the cynical, PMSing, teenage high school girl I am, we all know that this rant is going to get very superficial, very fast. Like... Right about now.

So all day I was had this pesky tickle in my throat and sniffles and right when it was getting better, the stupid little cold decides to team up with my conscious to get me. After school I had the perfect opportunity to kiss my boyfriend and I couldn't take it.

If you have to ask why, you're a failure at life.

Of course, once he leaves, Artemis goes and smacks me over the head for not taking the perfect opportunity after my moping all last week about not having any opportunities to get some lip-action. I made some lame excuse about having just eaten something or whatever because my brain was no longer working at this point and all I knew was that I needed to get home right that second to get more medication. My head's killing me right now. I just can't wait for this cold to get gone.

Anyway... Brighter note! I finally set up a doctor's appointment... Next Thursday before the dance at Poseidon's school and right after I get out of class. Actually, I think I might end up having to get a note to get out early. The appointment is at 3:45 and I get out of class at 3:25. Takes, like, half an hour to get to the doctor's office...

You might be wondering exactly why I'm going to the doctor's or you've just assumed it's to get my cold looked at. I'm going to tell you now that, no, I do not go to the doctor for every little thing. If I have a cold, I deal with it myself. No need to sit around the waiting room for an hour just to sit in the examination room for another two hours to have a short talk with the doctor for 15 minutes. I'm going to get started on the pill. I'm actually really happy about this. Solve my terrible PMS~.

-Persephone

Bliss

So... Today was kinda the best day ever. Poseidon? The guy I'm head-over-heels for? He asked me out today, I think. I say I think because, well, he kissed me. Just suddenly, totally surprising me. Obviously, I kissed him back and... Yeah, I kinda can't stop smiling now, even though it's been a couple hours. My group for the video project should be very glad that the files aren't compatible with my software, because whatever homework I do today is going to be worse than... Well, whatever the worst thing you can think of is, except worse. Because I keep getting distracted by my thoughts. And it's great.

I still haven't really told a lot of people. Kinda everybody in our group knows... I mean, he kissed me right there! And California knows... 'cause she was wondering why I was so happy and I had to tell somebody. Then Care Bear knows, 'cause she also asked why I was so happy. I'm waiting for Cookie to call when her mom gets off the phone. I have to tell her this over the phone or in person, not text or Facebook, because it's just way too be to be done that way. So yeah! And I haven't told my family...

Mom and I are going to go for a walk after dinner, so I'm planning on telling her then. I just worry a little about the rest of my family's reaction... But you know what? Screw them. It's my life, I've totally fallen for this guy, so I don't care what they think.

Totally forgot what else I was gonna say.. Oh yeah!

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

-Persephone

Bad News & Great News

I couldn't sleep for so long last night. I'm in a bit of a sticky situation right now. That guy I'm head-over-heels for? Well, I know it's kinda stupid, but he liked one of my statuses where I have to check off the things that are true about him. See, this guy, he's my ex. And, well, the choices... "Let's try again" and "I miss you" and stuff like that... I get the feeling it's going to totally screw this up for me or maybe make everything great and totally work out. Yeah right. Cookie'll kill me if I told him how I still felt over Facebook. So what am I supposed to do, huh?! She says just tell him in person, but to do it when it feels right. So now I'm just dreading Wednesday night!

Ok, now that that's over... Great stuff!

It's Lights Poxleitner's birthday today! So listen to lots of LIGHTS music and go find her page on Facebook and wish her a happy birthday! She totally deserves a great one. I'm going to listen to her music all day (although, I kinda do this every day) and I'm going to wear lots of purple, because that's one of the three The Listening colors, which is my favourite album of hers. Her music has gotten me through so much!

Happy birthday, Lights!

-Persephone

Warm and Comfy

I hate it when you're totally comfortable and then get forced to move. Especially when you're extremely warm and cozy and were sleeping. The only thing that ever makes it better is if the person waking you up is somebody you're totally head-over-heels for and you were sleeping in their arms. Still. I really hate having to move.

Last night I was at a small party for a bunch of awesome people. It was really quiet compared to a lot of the others. I guess nobody had energy, seeing as we all tired out pretty fast. It was mostly just all lying on Poseidon's bed on top of each other and talking. It was so warm and comfy... I wound up falling asleep for a bit, then I was sort of half asleep for the majority of the time. Everyone filtered out gradually.

I missed this wonderful opportunity that couldn't've been more perfect except for the fact that Aphrodite was there. I definitely would've told him sort of cryptically, I guess, that I still care about him... It was such a perfect opportunity! I should go die in a hole for missing it. I just hope there'll be others. But Aphrodite was there, so I got self conscious and instantly answered the question so vaguely... I hope I didn't screw everything over. I probably did, though... I sure hope not. Ack! I'm going crazy.

I didn't sleep well last night. He is way more comfortable than my bed.

-Persephone

Headaches

I seem to be prone to really bad headaches. I sometimes wonder if I have something wrong with me. A tumour in my brain or something that's causing them. They get really bad, sometimes crippling me. I think the worst I've had was a couple months ago. I was in agony. Thankfully it was over a weekend, so I didn't make a scene somewhere.

When I was in grade three, the headaches started. It was typically when we were in the gym. Every little sound was like a gunshot in my skull. So if you put a bunch of rowdy kids in a gym that echos, you're going to get a hell of a lot of noise. My friend Maasa often took care of me, taking me out into the hall, or the change room if it was really bad, until I could function again. I remember the pain being like somebody was trying to crack my skull open. Or like there was some banshee stuck in there that wanted out.

Ever since then I've been prone to really bad headaches. The constant pain within my skull has become something normal for me, and because of it I have a very high pain tolerance. Oddly enough, the one thing that usually helps my headaches and migraine is loud music with a steady beat. It turns the waves of pain into a sort of throbbing. Somehow, I find this a lot less painful, because it matches the beat of whatever song I'm listening to and just blends into it. I'm not sure how to describe it.

People think this makes me weird. I tell them they're right.

-Persephone

Limbo

I guess since not a lot is happening lately, I don't have much to say on here. I find that I can't just vent... All I can do is gush about how great things are in my life. But who wants to hear that, right? People read this so that they can feel like their life is something better than another's. Like they haven't yet hit rock bottom. Well... I guess this is something I can talk about for this entry. That I'm not really in a "Heaven".

I'm in "Limbo".

It's not so much as things are so fantastically wonderful... Although they are pretty great. There's still a lot left for me to improve. My home. It's more like a box. I dread returning here each and every day. A lot of my friends know what's going on and I can lean on them for support. But it only lasts so long... And eventually I'm going to have to do the entire "family time" sort of thing again. I'm not looking forwards to summer because of this... It means road trips and a lot of "family time".

Most of my issues centre around my dad. He's the cause of a lot of my fears, which I'm working to get over gradually. I'm just not sure the way I'm getting over them is the right one. I'm turning into just a little bit of a slut, I guess. I'm completely... I don't even know the right word. Disrespecting, perhaps? I don't really even know.

Then I've got the issues with my entire family about things that make me who I am. My religion, Spiritualism, is a branch of Christianity. It means that I believe in a "God" and the power of the "Universe" and the "Spirit Realm" and so on and so forth. It's a lot like what the Native tribes of Canada believed in, I've found. My family is completely against any and all religions. I hate that about them so much.

Then there's the fact that they tend to be racist... And that they make jokes about people with mental handicaps and use things like "retard" a lot. It really annoys me. My cousin is mentally handicapped! I love him so much. It really rubs me the wrong way when they use that word. And then there's the fact that my grandfather is against homosexuality... And I'm bisexual... I just hate that I can't be myself in my own house.

I really don't know what to do... But outside of the house, my life is wonderful. I have amazing friends, a way-too-nice-guy I've fallen head over heels for (even though I probably don't stand a chance, considering our past), school's easy, the weather's warming up... I'm not suicidal or depressed anymore, which gives me this amazing freedom I haven't known in nearly a decade! And I love who I am. I'm finally able to look at myself in the mirror and think that I'm pretty, that I have a nice body, and that I love myself for who I am. What does it matter if I'm not good enough for other people?

Still. I can't tell my family who I am. I live in a box... House of Terrors... Home from Hell... Whatever you want to call it. I hate it. I feel like a bird who's had their wings clipped. I guess that's pretty accurate and all... My middle name being the German word that roughly translates to "Songbird" or "Sparrow".

-Persephone

Hyperactivity

So I'm kinda sorta just a LITTLE bit hyper right now! Just warning you. So I apologize for spelling mistakes. I don't even know why I am on here. Was talking to Poseidon and he was blogging and I was like "OH NOES! I HAVE NOT BLOGGED!" so I thought I'd so you all the torture of writing yet another entry! Yay! Sarcastic cheer! You are all not looking forward to my ramblings, as usual! Whoop! Dance! Party. Yeah...

So tonight Poseidon, Artemis, Disonyus (however his name is spelt; Greek God of wine), maybe Aphrodite, and I are going to this Younglife thing that Poseidon and wine-God were talking about a couple days ago. Anyway, yeah, Poseidon's giving me and ride and I'm really excited! And hyper! And Poseidon says I'm only going to get more hyper!

Which may or may not be good. I dunno. We will see! Smile! Laugh! Yay!

So I'm listening to a song I've never heard before. It's pretty epic. I really like it. It's called "Too Young" by a really awesome band called "The Secret Handshake" that I think all of you should listen to! So yeah! Just some music for ya there!

I've written a few poems today. They're alright. I keep writing haikus for some reason. I don't really know why. Maybe it's some psychological thing? Probably not.

Well, things at home are... Crap. I guess that's the best way to sum it up. I spend all my time at parties, friends' places, or in my room. Yeah. Since this is the internet, I guess I can't really say the details. But yeah... Things are... Tough. I'll survive, though. I've survived this long, haven't I? Sometimes I miss swimming. It was an escape for a couple hours each day and good stress relief. But now I can escape to friends' places more, so I think that's a good thing to take the place of it. And I watch what I eat, so I don't worry too much about gaining weight. I'm surprised how easy it has been to keep under 130 pounds lately. I just have to be careful! Although I do tend to have a Pepsi each day... I should stop that and just drink tea, yeah?

I'll try.

-Persephone

Update

I'm sorry for my neglect in writing. A lot of wonderful things have happened... I guess I just got caught up in it all. I'm not suicidal or depressed anymore, for one thing. Sure, I get sad sometimes, but that's normal human nature. But I cherish my life now and I try to stay optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day, after all. I can't really explain how I suddenly changed my outlook... I guess I just had an epiphany of sorts. Perhaps it's because of my near-death experience? Perhaps it's because of the people I'm around. I think both.

I haven't got much more to say, but I want you to try something... The next time you feel totally alone or like the world has no color, that it's empty, stare up at the sky. Just stare and let your mind go blank. Get lost in the endless abyss. And when you feel completely at peace, look around you again. It may startle you the new things you'll find in every day surroundings, the new beauty before your eyes.

-Persephone