Limbo

I guess since not a lot is happening lately, I don't have much to say on here. I find that I can't just vent... All I can do is gush about how great things are in my life. But who wants to hear that, right? People read this so that they can feel like their life is something better than another's. Like they haven't yet hit rock bottom. Well... I guess this is something I can talk about for this entry. That I'm not really in a "Heaven".

I'm in "Limbo".

It's not so much as things are so fantastically wonderful... Although they are pretty great. There's still a lot left for me to improve. My home. It's more like a box. I dread returning here each and every day. A lot of my friends know what's going on and I can lean on them for support. But it only lasts so long... And eventually I'm going to have to do the entire "family time" sort of thing again. I'm not looking forwards to summer because of this... It means road trips and a lot of "family time".

Most of my issues centre around my dad. He's the cause of a lot of my fears, which I'm working to get over gradually. I'm just not sure the way I'm getting over them is the right one. I'm turning into just a little bit of a slut, I guess. I'm completely... I don't even know the right word. Disrespecting, perhaps? I don't really even know.

Then I've got the issues with my entire family about things that make me who I am. My religion, Spiritualism, is a branch of Christianity. It means that I believe in a "God" and the power of the "Universe" and the "Spirit Realm" and so on and so forth. It's a lot like what the Native tribes of Canada believed in, I've found. My family is completely against any and all religions. I hate that about them so much.

Then there's the fact that they tend to be racist... And that they make jokes about people with mental handicaps and use things like "retard" a lot. It really annoys me. My cousin is mentally handicapped! I love him so much. It really rubs me the wrong way when they use that word. And then there's the fact that my grandfather is against homosexuality... And I'm bisexual... I just hate that I can't be myself in my own house.

I really don't know what to do... But outside of the house, my life is wonderful. I have amazing friends, a way-too-nice-guy I've fallen head over heels for (even though I probably don't stand a chance, considering our past), school's easy, the weather's warming up... I'm not suicidal or depressed anymore, which gives me this amazing freedom I haven't known in nearly a decade! And I love who I am. I'm finally able to look at myself in the mirror and think that I'm pretty, that I have a nice body, and that I love myself for who I am. What does it matter if I'm not good enough for other people?

Still. I can't tell my family who I am. I live in a box... House of Terrors... Home from Hell... Whatever you want to call it. I hate it. I feel like a bird who's had their wings clipped. I guess that's pretty accurate and all... My middle name being the German word that roughly translates to "Songbird" or "Sparrow".

-Persephone