Today's "great day" wasn't really so great. Well, it started out fine. Did some reading... Had a good math class with my friend... Had a really entertaining drama class... Lunch with my friends/family was a blessing. Then english with the best teacher ever. And socials was nice, it passed by quickly. My teacher's pretty cool and she's got a sense of humour. But I was feeling sick again and I waited around at the school for him to come and he didn't come before I had to leave... So I went swimming because I didn't think my father would accept my excuse of being sick since I had waited around at the school for so long. Went swimming and nearly killed myself... Still feel terrible. At least my eyes don't get all puffy when I've been crying.
Door slammed... Hope that wasn't father.
Anyway, so we had another... talk. More like shouting match with me desperately trying not to cry. Seems like I'm never going to get past being a crybaby... I'm such a wimp. I'm just a little sick! There's a flu going around! But he gets it in his head that I'm just unmotivated and scared to disappoint him.
I'm not scared of disappointing him, I'm scared of his wrath.
Though it's true I've been contemplating quitting swimming. I love the sport, and I do have some nice friends there whom I enjoy being around. But I also feel so distant and it just prevents me from doing so many other things. Like hanging out with my friends... But I don't want to get overweight and stuff, right? I have to do some sort of a sport. And swimming's something I'm good at... Though I really am good at everything. I'm just an athlete... It's in my blood or something.
Maybe I can do basketball...?
No, I want to swim. I want to be able to see them all and be a part of it all and have an outlet for my emotions regularly so that I can smile and be an amiable person. So that I can get out of my house without an excuse for at least two hours every evening. So I don't have to deal with the world for a little while. Swimming allows you to turn off your brain and just let instinct take over. Because I have amazing technique, this is easy. I just put my head down and go and it works fine. I can stop thinking.
I don't want to quit it... I need it to survive. Literally.
On FaceBook a friend complimented a photo of mine. It stopped me from making a huge mistake. One I'm sure I'd've probably regretted...
-Persephone
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